Monday, July 28, 2008


SO tonight I decided that I would make a list of some of the fears that I have in here it goes....
(heres a pic of a sheep that was eaten by a python. I really scares me to death to look at this picture but it is so rare that i had to put it on) I scroll past it as fast as I can.
1. BEING SQUEEZED,SWALLOWED AND DIGESTED BY A PYTHON... while I am quite aware that by the time i have been squeezed by the python I am dead and I won't remember the being swallowed and digested aspect I can still creep myself out thinking about it. The whole unlocking jaw thing that allows the python to eat things 10 times its size is truely alien and metamorphically creepy. And the python approach is horrific. It is so slow and unnoticed and then just when you think you are are in his jaw. And he doesn't just eat you in one swallow bite like a crocodile he eats you slowly and painfully, head first....your feet still hanging out his mouth for later, like a dinner aftermint.
HOnestly, at night if I get freaked out, it is not because I invision a murder at my window, it is because I am invisioning a snake under my bed.

1. BEING PREGNANT.... I hate it when people say, " I am going to be a cute pregnant lady" because in my such thing exsists. In my eyes it is putting my body on the altar. It is like cohabitating your body with an alien. Suddenly I have no control over what my body does and this is the result..... I doll up in tears over anything that breaths, I slowly loose control of my bladder, i have the eating habits of a ravenous wolf, my belly stretches to be the size of a hot airballoon, I grunt when I sit down, I roll over to stand up, I get hunger pains while I am eating, I crave foods i don't even like the taste of, I throw up at the smell of the things I used to love, my emotions are as stable as a rocking chair, my hormones are bouncing around like a pin ball, I can't see my toes, my pants have a elastic in the front as to encompass a goiter, my hair falls out, my jeans NEVER fit again, my cellulite becomes the majority of my body, my boobs swell the size of cantelopes and I am so front heavy I have to lean back to walk. My stretch marks all connect, my ankles turn kankle, my veins become vericose, my lungs are squished up into my throat, I am leaking in more places then just my bladder, my teeth soften, I eat with both hands, I have to be violated with monthly checkups and cold metal stirups and the only way to end the episode is the painful experience of compressing a watermelon through a straw.

3. BEING SET UP ON DATES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE....this one is so hard on me. People tell me "I have the perfect person for you, they are just like you." I can't tell you how trying it is on my ego to open the door to a not even half attractive person standing there who is "just like me." I question my attractiveness for weeks following. It is hard enough to be single and to be on the constant rollercoaster of pointless hope and it is even harder to be subliminally told your ugly at the same time. I really fear having that for the rest of my life.

4. BEING CHASED....As a kid I always hated the game of tag because I hated the feeling of being chased. I would just give in and let them tag me because I couldn't stand the sound and the feeling of being chase and having them right on my heels. It was simply chilling to the spine to have the hovering feeling encompass me. The sound of the footsteps growing closer and closer and their breath getting so close it could warm your neck.....I HATE IT!!

5. THE MAN IN THE MIRROR...I am sure that you have all seen the movies where the girls is in the bathroom doing something and then all the sudden she looks up at her reflection in the mirror and there is a man standing behind her!! OH my heck I hate that. I would wash my face with one eye open if soap in the eye didn't hurt so dang bad. I definetly fear that, but I would prefer that he be standing there with the knife and just end it all right then cuz if he didn't then I would have to run and that would lead to a chase which scares me even more then the attack itself!! I would be more scared to run then to be stabbed. How contorted is that?


Jourdan said...

ok. This is a favorite post of mine.
I hardly knew any of these?

And by the way, you hit the nail on the head with being pregnant... it's all true and yet, it feels so natural, like you were meant to suffer through all that.

I loved all your Africa pics too. I need to catch up with you on all that!!

simplysarah said...

Maybe if you weren't so slow people would stop chasing you.