BIKER BUTT AFTERMATH

I MUST ADMIT THAT I WAS PLESANTLY SURPRISED THAT MY MUSCLES WERE NOT SOAR THE NEXT DAY AFTER BIKING THE HELL SIDE. nOT THAT i AM A WUSS, JUST THAT FACT THAT I HAVE A LOT OF MUSCLES...SO THAT WOULD MAKE ME SOAR BEYOND THAT AVERAGE PERSONS SOAR.

tHE SURPRISE CAME AS A LOCALIZED TENDERNESS IN MY BUTTOCKS. AND NOT JUST ONE...BUT BOTH. i WONDERED JUST HOW BIKERS DID IT....HOW DID THEY STAND TO BEAR ALL THEIR WEIGHT ON THOSE TENDER SLICES OF BUNS.

i CAME TO ONLY ONE CONCLUSION...BIKERS MUST HAVE CALLUSED BUNS. tHERE IS ONLY ONE EXPLANATION..THEY SIMPLY MUST BE USED TO IT, BECUASE THEY HAVE WORKED UP A THICK LEATHERY JERKY O BUTT TO RIDE UPON. lITTLE DOES THE WORLD KNOW THAT BENEATH THE TIGHT SPANDEX LAYS AN UNSIGHTLY BREW OF LEATHER LAIDEN SKIN JUST YEARNING FOR EXFOLIATION. eXFOLIATION NEEDS SO THICK NOT EVEN A CHISEL COULD BREAK THROUGH.

IT WAS ABOUT THAT TIME THAT I STARTED TO REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH THE BIKER WORLD IS HIDING..THEY SEEM HIP AND COOL AND PERFECT BODIED...BUT REALLY..THEY ARE HIDING THE TRUTH OF IT ALL. THE PRICE THEY PAY FOR THOSE GREAT THIGHS IS HARDLY WORTH THE DEVISTATION THAT LIES BENEATH. aND DO YOU KNOW WHAT...IF THEY HAVE CALLUSED BUTT...I BET THERE IS A LARGE POPULATION OF BIKER BUTT BUNYONS OUT THERE TOO!

IF AN EGO COULD KILL

My friend Sara often braggs of her biking mountaining abilities as she climbs the great heights of the EAGLE RIDGE. I can't tell you how many times i have passed bikers on that road while rambling thoughts such as the following filled my mind,
Idiot...why do you bother....no wonder you have thunder thighs...and...everyone is laughing at you....get a life.

SO I was feeling particularly lonely this last while and in the need of a buddy. I can't tell you how many times I asked people to run with me...only to be turned down with a " you will kick my butt... I can't run that fast" response.
But somehow amoungst my lacking ability to find a friend to exercise with, I sunk below all that was beneath me when I found myself at the bottom of the Eagleridge mountain with nothing but a bike and a dream to get my fat butt back up the mountain side.



Now that I look back, it wasn't just the lonely that drug me in, but it was Sara's knieving ability to question my ego. She would talk about how good it felt to be at the top and the great sense of accomplishment that came....and I started to wonder if I could actually do it. My ego was pricked so I just had to kick. So there I was at the bottom of the hill....looking up and feeling like an idiot...but then my ego...aka a burst of testosterone burst through my viens..straight to my arteries..into my legs and I was off...or up rather.....up to my waist in crap that I dug for myself to wallow through. (please note the altitude of the mountain in the background).



Now it didn't seem too bad at first but when I was struggling for air like a earthen fish starves for water I realized just how much this was going to kill me. I was either going to die right there on th mountian side or die trying. I even thought about running myself into a car to put myself out of my own misery but the speed limit was 30 and i knew that the blow from a car would only leave me on a permenate wheel basis...sucking breath through a hole in my neck. So by process of elimination I continued up that beast of burden hill with Sara trecking the entire thing with a smile so sick I could gagg the entire way.

When I finally got to the top.. I must say I was much surprised....that i had made it without any suicide attempts. I decided to take a break in the grass and catch some depleated oxygen for my starving cells. I was sure by now that I was near levels of brain damage due to oxygen starvation.....that was when I started to realize just why Sara is what we call "different" from the rest....three times weekly oxygen depletion explained it all.


Just when I thought I could understand why Sara's mind was so janked...she said, "Hay, do you wanna go up the the top of Brauers?" Once again, she had pricked me ego and due to the lack of oxygen in the system i quickly said, "Sure."
So long story short.....4 miles of straight up hill and 2,000 atmospheres of barametric pressure lost along the way we climbed to the top of the blasted hill or should I say we climbed the the top of the blasted hell.

I don't know what the heck I was thinking...but surely I didn't learn my lesson this time...all it takes is another momment of my ego being questioned and I will be well on my way to ice picking up some iceberg in the middle of the ocean somewhere...and until the day my ego gets the best of me and the escapade kills me ...I may never learn my lesson.

RONNies Deal o the Year!

So I just happened to be waiting for night shift to come to work so i could give report and get the hay out of there when I decided I might as well burn time on the internet. Long story short I found an add for a Table AND chairs for sale for FIFTEEN BUCKS!!! I immediately jumped at the chance. Lucky for me my good buddy Jared was willing to bumm my rear out to clearfield that night so I had a truck to pick them up in. So I have the before and after pictures....




Here is me with my cowboy gear to keep from getting dust in my all important respiratory tract while I sanded them down



Here is the picture of them after I got a hold of them with some paint!! What a killer deal for fifteen bucks if I might say so myself!!!

THE NEED FOR SPEED

NOT MUCH TO SAY HERE, OTHER THEN THE FACT THAT 3 OUT OF 5 DAUGHTERS OF THE MCDONALD FAMILY NOW HAVE SCARS ON SOME PLACE ON THEIR BODY DUE TO THE ALPINE SLED BURNING THE VERY FLESH FROM THEIR BONES. YES OUR NEED FOR SPEED HAS ONCE AGAIN GOTTEN THE BEST OF US AS OUR INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM SUFFERS THE EFFECTS, FOREVER SCARRED...BUT WELL WORTH THE JOYRIDE.



SO THIS IS ME, POST FLESH BURN. AUGUST 2007. I EASE DROPPED INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW TO MAKE YOUR SLED GO FASTER AND I TRIED IT...AND BOY DID I FLY...OFF MY SLED.




SO THIS ON IS CHEWY, POST FLESH WOUND. AUGUST 2007. ALSO TRYING TO INCREASE HER SPEED WHEN HER SPEED GOT THE BEST OF HER. UNFORTUNATE FOR HER, SHE DIDN'T RETURN TO HER SLED QUICK ENOUGH AND AFTER RECIEVING HER LEG BURN. THAT WAS WHEN I CAME RAMMING INTO HER WITH MY SLED. I SAW HER FEET FLY UP OVER HER HEAD..THAT WAS WHEN I NOTICED SHE ONLY HAD ONE SHOE ON. THAT WAS WHEN SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD FALLEN OFF AND WAS TRYING TO PUT HER SHOE BACK ONE WHEN I CAME UP BEHIND HER AND RAMMED HER WITH MY SLED. SHE SHOULD HAVE PUT HER SHOE ON LATER. BUT SEEING HER RIGHT IN VIEW AND WITHIN MY TARGET I COULDN'T LET THE OPPORTUNITY PASS. POOR LITTLE KID GOT RAMMED BY ME. MUST HAVE HERT, IT IS ONE THING TO GET RAMMED BY A BRICK BUT ANTOHER TO BE RAMMED BY YOUR OLDER BUCK AND A HALF POULND SISTER AT VELOCITAL SPEEDS. I THINK SHE LEARNED HER LESSON.

Clever to the bone!

It was just a few weeks ago that I was visiting the old home in WASHINGTON. Chewy had been in ARIZONA and had missed her flight and so she was coming in on a later one. Bo BO and I discussed what an idiot Chewy was for missing her flight and somehow in the conversation talked about having a welcome home sign for her....and then one thing leads to another and before you know it I have crayola marker all over my hands and a big grin on my face about the embarrasment I am about to embark upon my little sister Chewy....once again...and here is what we came up with.




Now I know what you are thinking...that is so rude....and that is exactly why we did it. You wouldn't believe the looks of disguist and insult people gave us at the airport as we paraded that sign around and hovered over Chewy everywhere her little raisen-leg carried her.

OF ALL THE INSULTS!!

SO, before you read this blog, you should read the one below it first...but anyhow I have recently come to glimpse with the fact that SARA is no the only one who views me as a pyscho freaked AMAZON WOMAN....
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE HALL AT CHURCH LAST WEEK WHEN AFTER TALKING TO ONE OF THE BISHOPS COUNSELORS AND A FEW OTHER GUYS WHO WERE THERE. AS i WAS WALKING OFF i HEAR A FAMILIAR VOICE (bROTHER hALE, BISHOPS COUNSELOR) SAY TO THE OTHER PEOPLE THERE, "nOW THERE GOES 12 FOOT OF WOMAN." i WAS GOING TO STOP TO LOOK BACK AND SHE WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT...BUT THEN i REALIZED THAT THAT 12 FOOT OF WOMAN WAS me!!! nOW BROTHER HALE HAD NO IDEA I HEARD HIM, BUT i SURE DID AND I KNOW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME...i KNOW THERE WAS NO ON ELSE IN THAT HALL. aND FROM SOMEWHERE CAME THE FAINT MOCKING VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE SARA THAT WAS AUDIBLE TO ONLY ME AND IT SAID IN A MOCKING TONE, "i TOLD YOU YOU WERE AN AMAZON WOMAN."

so I guess I am just coming to glimpse with my amazonianess. I am realizing that I people have always seen it in me no matter how curly my hair is, no matter how much pink i wear, no matter if i wear lipstick. Sara, Brother Hale and then there was Megan who I was friends with 2 years ago...she called me RONZILLA." I am starting to see me through other peoples eyes and it is not an attractive thing. Excuse me while i go kill a few villages in my frustration.

AMAZON WOMAN???

So I HAD a friend named Sara who just says whatever the heck she wants to and unlike most people who take back and try to cover the stupid mean things they say...SARA continues to justify what she says. Willfully and cheerfully digging her own pit, you might say.
So it was a few weeks ago that I was sitting next to Sara in churh when she looks at me and says, "Do you know what you remind me of.....an AMAZON WOMAN." I just gasped. Now I have never been called an AMAZON WOMAN before and I had never even as much as heard of one. But I pictured one in my mind. And what I pictured was a uni-browed beast of woman running through the jungles chewing on a monkey carcass. I was utterly insulted!!
Of course Sara, clueless that she is continues...."No it is a good thing. Amazon women are big and strong." Now I am picturing the same beast of woman in the jungle chewing on a lions carcass all while beating off an anaconda with ease. So for the next few minutes we continued to argue back and forth about images dipicted in ones mind as the word AMAZON WOMAN is said. Me seeing it a something terrible and aweful and she seeing it as a perfectly sound and complimentary statement. Again, this is Sara, the only girl who would continue to insult someone and dig pits for herself rather then try and back out and appologize. Again I remind you, this is Sara, there are no appologies from Sara, just continued insults as she tries to justify calling you an oversized, thunder thighed freak of nature!!!
So after arguments going no where, and her not convincing me that being called an AMAZON WOMAN was a good thing, we decided that we must look to the internet.
Here is what we found...

AMAZON WOMAN :

Amazon women were basically women warriors who fought alongside the men...then it also said this.....
The Greek variant of the name was connected by popular etymology to a- (privative) + mazos, "without breast", connected with an aetiological tradition that Amazons had their right breast cut off or burnt out, so they would be able to use a bow more freely and throw spears without the physical limitation and obstruction!!!!
Now as Sara read this discription to me over the phone I couldn't help but bust my gutt in laughter. How could she possibly constrew this into a "good thing" or as she calls it. But she continues to stand by her so called "compliment" despite the evidence that has unfolded. And despite the evidence she continues to call me AMAZON WOMAN and I just roll my eyes at her abilties to put 2 and 2 together.

But I have to admitt, she was a little right...while I would never consider cutting off my breast to shoot a bow and arrow better....if it ment I could drive faster or give my engine more torque...I would consider the option. THe END

I think I am a genius!!!

So can I just say that I had been realizing that when I move out... I have nearly nothing to my name...no bed, no mattress, no bed frame etc etc. So I started to price things, trying to find the best deals. And of course girl that I am I started with head boards for my bed. As I started welcoming them into my shopping agendas I realized that this was quite a pricey item!!! Head boards cost a few hundred dollars and liquidation prices are still a hundred or so. I found this absolutely RIDICULOUS!!! It is just a few pieces of wood slapped together after all. So I decided that I was just going to have to make my own becuase the prices were outlandish.
It wasn't a few days later that I was out taking a run near the mountain tops that I ran past a most rustic looking piece of wood. It captured my eye and I immediately fell in love. It was all weathered and barn like...just the type I like. I continued my run but couldn't stop thinking about that beautiful piece of wood that I had encountered that day.
So it was just a few days later that I talked my friend Christine into driving to the top of the mountain to retrieve the piece of wood with me. I knew that it would need some balancing help since I was to be hauling it in my little 88 Honda.
It wasn't until I got a hold of the wood and started pulling it out of the field that I realized just how long this wood was and needless to say, it exceeded my car length ten fold!! But I was determined (nothing new...I am always determined). So I stuffed the wood in my car perpindicular and drove down the road. It was hard getting it home because it crossed well into the other lane of traffic on one side so I would try to compensate by driving closer to my white line...only to be followed by a shout from Christine that I was about to take out a tree on the sidewalk!! The entire ride home envolved a laughing passenger and a drunk looking civic with 8 foot wings of wood coming out each side of the beastly ugly thing. All the while swirving to dodge a car and then swirving back to avoid trees and sidewalk pedestrians. This was a honker peice of wood. It wasn't until I got it home that measured it to be 16 feet long!!
Needless to say, I got the beauty home and made my just as cute as can be head board and I sure didn't spend no hundred dollars!!! I only spent $4.99 for the brackets and eveything else was free...that is why I think I am genius!! THe ENd